Community Theater Green Room Discussion Board: Upset parent

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Linda
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Joined: 2/09/04
Location: United States
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Posts: 29

Topic: Upset parent
Posted: 9/21/04 at 8:32am

I just had my head taken off by a parent whose child I did not cast in the upcoming musical. Mom is on the board of directors and did this in front of my scene designer and lighting designer. Both have never worked in this theater before. I stood there open mouthed with disbelief. I am of half a mind to walk, leaving the directing of this monster of a musical to her. I used my standard, "I am sorry I can't use Suzie Q in this show. Please audition again for me in the future." She wanted me to justify every casting decision I made, and why her child was not cast in that part. Mind you this is a cast of forty with only ten children in very minor parts, and I had 30 children audition for those ten parts. The only thing I could think to say was, "I am sorry you are upset."

My question is, "Has anyone else had this happen, and did you find a graceful way of handling it?" Halfway through her tirade I almost told her the truth. "Your child can't sing, and gives the impression that she wants to be anywhere but on stage." I only work for this theater on occassion because the politics are so difficult, and after this little fiasco never again. I know that she is going to be around the theater when I am there, and I do not want another confrontation. Any advice you can give me on how to handle this would be much appreciated.

Linda

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countbio
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Joined: 5/03/04
Location: United States
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Posts: 25

Posted: 9/21/04 at 1:12pm

Wow...how terrible. I am sorry that happened to you.

I directed High School for many years...and encountered "stage parents" (usually moms) a few times. I think you handled it well.

From my experience..

Don't argue...stick to "It is unfortunate I couldn't use Susie Q this time"

Don't justify your casting decisions, ever! (see above line and stick to it)

Report her bahavior to any one you can (artistic director, chair of board etc.) Use strong words like intimidation, harassment, etc. (if this is indeed how you feel). Ask for support/backing and for someone to let her know that the theater has confidence in your abilities and decisions.. If you do not get these things...this is a whole other problem! (a really serious one!)

But don't gossip about the mom with your cast/crew. It will get back to her and be used against you!

Do not engage this nut in any further conversation/ argument /discussion etc. Use above line if cornered and walk away.

If the problem persists...you may need to repert her behavior to higher authorities. And you may consider leaving.

Good Luck,

Countbio

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Dan
Guest
Guest

Posted: 9/21/04 at 2:17pm

I don't know how you could have handled it other than the way you did. There's always going to be upset parents involved when you work with children. The fact that yours is on the Board just makes things more difficult.

How to handle this in the future depends a great deal on how the rest of the Board is, I think. Do you find them equally difficult to deal with? Are they aware of how the mother behaves? If you think they can be reasonable, go to them and ask them to address this. If you can't see that helping at all, then you may, in fact, have to be blunt (and diplomatic) and tell her that her daughter wasn't cast because there were (at least) ten actors who were better suited.

I feel what you're going through; having worked with teenagers in theater for many years, I have had my share of angry mothers.

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Gaafa
Guest
Guest

Posted: 9/22/04 at 1:11am

Linda I'm sorry it has hapened to you!

If you can get a copy of this song by Noel Coward & play it to the mother &/or the Board - it could help you!

Old Noel had this problem as well & answered it thusly;-

From Noel Coward On The Air[BBC] - 1947

(He speaks:

"Some years ago when I was returning from the Far East on a very large ship, I was pursued around the decks every day by a very large lady. She showed me some photographs of her daughter ?

a repellant-looking girl and seemed convinced that she was destined for a great stage career. Finally,

in sheer self-preservation, I locked myself in my cabin and wrote this song".)

Don?t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington

Don?t put your daughter on the stage

The profession is overcrowded

The struggle?s pretty tough

And admitting the fact she?s burning to act

That isn?t quite enough.

She?s a nice girl and though her teeth are fairly good

She?s not the type I ever would be eager to engage

I repeat, Mrs. Worthington, sweet Mrs. Worthington

Don?t put your daughter on the stage.

Regarding yours, dear Mrs. Worthington

Of Wednesday, the 23rd.

Although your baby may be keen on a stage career

How can I make it clear that this is not a good idea

For her to hope and appear, Mrs. Worthington

Is on the face of it absurd

Her personality is not in reality quite big enough, inviting enough

For this particular sphere

Don?t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington

Don?t put your daughter on the stage.

She?s a bit of an ugly duckling, you must honestly confess

And the width of her seat would surely defeat

Her chances of her success

It?s - it?s a loud voice, and though it?s not exactly flat

She?ll need a little more than that to earn a living wage

On my knees, Mrs. Worthington, please Mrs. Worthington

Don?t put your daughter on the stage.

Don?t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington

Don?t put your daughter on the stage

Though they said at the school of acting

She was lovely as Peer Gynt

I?m afraid, on the whole, an ingenue role might emphasize her squint

She has nice hands, to give the wretched girl her due

But don?t you think her bust is too developed for her age

No more buts, Mrs. Worthington, nuts! Mrs. Worthington

Don?t put your daughter on the stage!

Toi Toi Toi Chookas Linda

Joe

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Gaafa
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Joined: 3/21/04
Location: Australia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1181

Posted: 9/22/04 at 1:17am

What a Yoyo! I'll log in before I post next time!

[This post is to add to my total only]

Joe
Western Gondawandaland
turn right @ Perth.
Hear the light & see the sound.
Toi Toi Toi Chookas {{"chook [chicken] it is"}
May you always play
to a full house}

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dougb
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Joined: 3/30/04
Location: United States
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 148

Posted: 9/22/04 at 11:25am

I can't add anything new to all the good advice above except to re-iterate:

Never justify your casting decisions - to anyone.

Never bitch or complain to your cast and crew about anything (you are allowed to bitch and complain to your stage manager - part of their job is to let you vent then tell you you made the right decision. I'm told it says that somewhere down in the fine print.)

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Andrea T
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Joined: 4/24/04
Location: United States
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 39

Posted: 9/30/04 at 9:46pm

Linda, you said the right thing! I was faced with the same problem in the last childrens show I directed....I was amazed at how a mother could behave regarding her child in a show! I too was chewed out infront of many people, including other parents. It came down to me saying, Im very sorry, but this is not life or death- its just a production that there will be many more of. Of course that didnt stop her hanging around and harrassing me, but, she eventually apoligized and realized her behavior...so, basically, tough it out! you did the right thing.

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Linda
Guest
Guest

Posted: 10/04/04 at 11:46am

Thank you everyone for all of the support. I actually just heard from the mother again last night. She apologized. Her daughter is happily doing something else. The daughter isn't the least bit upset at not being cast, so mom got over it.

Linda

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Gaafa
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Joined: 3/21/04
Location: Australia
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Posts: 1181

Posted: 10/05/04 at 2:01am

G?donya Linda & also to the ?Tin lids? mum for the apology to you!

Maybe you can get the mum, to audition for you next time?

Chookas Linda

Joe
Western Gondawandaland
turn right @ Perth.
Hear the light & see the sound.
Toi Toi Toi Chookas {{"chook [chicken] it is"}
May you always play
to a full house}

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NickH.
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Joined: 10/05/04
Location: United States
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 0

Posted: 10/10/04 at 7:13pm

I've had a 75-year old actor call me to tell me how disappointed and angry he was for not having been cast in one of my productions, and warned me that he may never audition for me again. So, now I'm warned.

If all the world is a stage, what am I doing in the wings?

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Directing
Community Theater Green Room Discussion Board :Producing Theater :Directing

Author	Message
Linda Lead Joined: 2/09/04 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 29	Topic: Upset parent Posted: 9/21/04 at 8:32am
	I just had my head taken off by a parent whose child I did not cast in the upcoming musical. Mom is on the board of directors and did this in front of my scene designer and lighting designer. Both have never worked in this theater before. I stood there open mouthed with disbelief. I am of half a mind to walk, leaving the directing of this monster of a musical to her. I used my standard, "I am sorry I can't use Suzie Q in this show. Please audition again for me in the future." She wanted me to justify every casting decision I made, and why her child was not cast in that part. Mind you this is a cast of forty with only ten children in very minor parts, and I had 30 children audition for those ten parts. The only thing I could think to say was, "I am sorry you are upset." My question is, "Has anyone else had this happen, and did you find a graceful way of handling it?" Halfway through her tirade I almost told her the truth. "Your child can't sing, and gives the impression that she wants to be anywhere but on stage." I only work for this theater on occassion because the politics are so difficult, and after this little fiasco never again. I know that she is going to be around the theater when I am there, and I do not want another confrontation. Any advice you can give me on how to handle this would be much appreciated. Linda

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countbio Player Joined: 5/03/04 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 25	Posted: 9/21/04 at 1:12pm
	Wow...how terrible. I am sorry that happened to you. I directed High School for many years...and encountered "stage parents" (usually moms) a few times. I think you handled it well. From my experience.. Don't argue...stick to "It is unfortunate I couldn't use Susie Q this time" Don't justify your casting decisions, ever! (see above line and stick to it) Report her bahavior to any one you can (artistic director, chair of board etc.) Use strong words like intimidation, harassment, etc. (if this is indeed how you feel). Ask for support/backing and for someone to let her know that the theater has confidence in your abilities and decisions.. If you do not get these things...this is a whole other problem! (a really serious one!) But don't gossip about the mom with your cast/crew. It will get back to her and be used against you! Do not engage this nut in any further conversation/ argument /discussion etc. Use above line if cornered and walk away. If the problem persists...you may need to repert her behavior to higher authorities. And you may consider leaving. Good Luck, Countbio
	IP Logged

Dan Guest	Posted: 9/21/04 at 2:17pm
	I don't know how you could have handled it other than the way you did. There's always going to be upset parents involved when you work with children. The fact that yours is on the Board just makes things more difficult. How to handle this in the future depends a great deal on how the rest of the Board is, I think. Do you find them equally difficult to deal with? Are they aware of how the mother behaves? If you think they can be reasonable, go to them and ask them to address this. If you can't see that helping at all, then you may, in fact, have to be blunt (and diplomatic) and tell her that her daughter wasn't cast because there were (at least) ten actors who were better suited. I feel what you're going through; having worked with teenagers in theater for many years, I have had my share of angry mothers.
	IP Logged

Gaafa Guest	Posted: 9/22/04 at 1:11am
	Linda I'm sorry it has hapened to you! If you can get a copy of this song by Noel Coward & play it to the mother &/or the Board - it could help you! Old Noel had this problem as well & answered it thusly;- From Noel Coward On The Air[BBC] - 1947 (He speaks: "Some years ago when I was returning from the Far East on a very large ship, I was pursued around the decks every day by a very large lady. She showed me some photographs of her daughter ? a repellant-looking girl and seemed convinced that she was destined for a great stage career. Finally, in sheer self-preservation, I locked myself in my cabin and wrote this song".) Don?t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington Don?t put your daughter on the stage The profession is overcrowded The struggle?s pretty tough And admitting the fact she?s burning to act That isn?t quite enough. She?s a nice girl and though her teeth are fairly good She?s not the type I ever would be eager to engage I repeat, Mrs. Worthington, sweet Mrs. Worthington Don?t put your daughter on the stage. Regarding yours, dear Mrs. Worthington Of Wednesday, the 23rd. Although your baby may be keen on a stage career How can I make it clear that this is not a good idea For her to hope and appear, Mrs. Worthington Is on the face of it absurd Her personality is not in reality quite big enough, inviting enough For this particular sphere Don?t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington Don?t put your daughter on the stage. She?s a bit of an ugly duckling, you must honestly confess And the width of her seat would surely defeat Her chances of her success It?s - it?s a loud voice, and though it?s not exactly flat She?ll need a little more than that to earn a living wage On my knees, Mrs. Worthington, please Mrs. Worthington Don?t put your daughter on the stage. Don?t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington Don?t put your daughter on the stage Though they said at the school of acting She was lovely as Peer Gynt I?m afraid, on the whole, an ingenue role might emphasize her squint She has nice hands, to give the wretched girl her due But don?t you think her bust is too developed for her age No more buts, Mrs. Worthington, nuts! Mrs. Worthington Don?t put your daughter on the stage! Toi Toi Toi Chookas Linda Joe
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Gaafa Celebrity Joined: 3/21/04 Location: Australia Online Status: Offline Posts: 1181	Posted: 9/22/04 at 1:17am
	What a Yoyo! I'll log in before I post next time! [This post is to add to my total only]
	Joe Western Gondawandaland turn right @ Perth. Hear the light & see the sound. Toi Toi Toi Chookas {{"chook [chicken] it is"} May you always play to a full house}
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dougb Celebrity Joined: 3/30/04 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 148	Posted: 9/22/04 at 11:25am
	I can't add anything new to all the good advice above except to re-iterate: Never justify your casting decisions - to anyone. Never bitch or complain to your cast and crew about anything (you are allowed to bitch and complain to your stage manager - part of their job is to let you vent then tell you you made the right decision. I'm told it says that somewhere down in the fine print.)
	IP Logged

Andrea T Lead Joined: 4/24/04 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 39	Posted: 9/30/04 at 9:46pm
	Linda, you said the right thing! I was faced with the same problem in the last childrens show I directed....I was amazed at how a mother could behave regarding her child in a show! I too was chewed out infront of many people, including other parents. It came down to me saying, Im very sorry, but this is not life or death- its just a production that there will be many more of. Of course that didnt stop her hanging around and harrassing me, but, she eventually apoligized and realized her behavior...so, basically, tough it out! you did the right thing.
	IP Logged

Linda Guest	Posted: 10/04/04 at 11:46am
	Thank you everyone for all of the support. I actually just heard from the mother again last night. She apologized. Her daughter is happily doing something else. The daughter isn't the least bit upset at not being cast, so mom got over it. Linda
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Gaafa Celebrity Joined: 3/21/04 Location: Australia Online Status: Offline Posts: 1181	Posted: 10/05/04 at 2:01am
	G?donya Linda & also to the ?Tin lids? mum for the apology to you! Maybe you can get the mum, to audition for you next time? Chookas Linda
	Joe Western Gondawandaland turn right @ Perth. Hear the light & see the sound. Toi Toi Toi Chookas {{"chook [chicken] it is"} May you always play to a full house}
	IP Logged

NickH. Player Joined: 10/05/04 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 0	Posted: 10/10/04 at 7:13pm
	I've had a 75-year old actor call me to tell me how disappointed and angry he was for not having been cast in one of my productions, and warned me that he may never audition for me again. So, now I'm warned.
	If all the world is a stage, what am I doing in the wings?
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Topic: Upset parent( Topic Closed)
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