I'd say that if you're the director, simply say you're not doing it.  Our shows we have a very brief opening- welcome, bathrooms, exits, cell phones- it takes all of about 30 seconds.  At the end of the last night, it is the same as every other night- the actors bow, the lights on the house go up & we scatter to the winds- in our theater we clean up after ourselves so the actors rush back to change, then immediately are in the audience putting away chairs, helping put the stage away or set it up for another performance or take the light trees down, etc.  The final night we have a lot more work to do before we can get to the cast party so we want to get started quickly & have no time for speeches!  Save the speeches for the cast party & all will be happier!

Opening safety and cellphone announcements--a necessity.  This usually falls in the realm of stage management duties.  I coach my stage manager so he doesn't sound horrible, and we write out scripts.  We even remind the audience to turn the cell phones off at the end of intermission--high schoolers can't get through 10 minutes without phoning or texting someone it seems.

I have seen opening announcements performed humorously by an actor--but I'm usually just happy to get my actors performing the script without writing something new for announcements as well.

The Closing Night Tradition--I wish it would stop.  We have a set to strike!  But, the cast feels this is the appropriate time to thank you for devoting the hours and gray hairs to them.  It brings them closure.  So, I walk backstage during the last few minutes of the play, wait to be called to the stage after the curtain call, and say a few words about how wonderful it was to work with these talented young people (which I usually mean from the bottom of my heart) and hug a few of them before closing it--in all about 2 extra minutes.  They usually present me with a gift and some flowers.  Sometimes parents who are here on closing night bring me gifts as well.  But then I announce to the cast to get out of costume in 15 minutes and report to me for strike assignments.  My crew and I start taking down something on-stage, so we have a reason to kick them offstage quickly.  If parents are hanging around to take their children home, remind them how long strike will take and that we'll call them when strike is over.  (By the way--inform all people who need to know about strike being mandatory, when it is scheduled, and how long it is expected to last.)

Gaafa,

I must confess that I have made such a speech.  I had to point out all the exits since we were in such an awkward space.  The audience entered from backstage, so they really shouldn't run that way in the dark in an emergency.  I was teased endlessley (for years) about looking like an airline hostess! 

On a side note, always write out a script for pre-show announcements.  My director trys to do it off the cuff, and he just sounds awful and makes little sense. 

Yikes, I'd hate to drug up on stage at the end of the show by the cast.  I agree let them thank you at the cast party, or back stage after opening night or soemthing, there's striking to be done on that last show, less tongues flapping, more drills running.

Just to chime in on the curtain speech topic, I personally hate them the audience is there to see the show not the pre-show.  With that said, however, I've seen more and more need for the common courtesy announcements like cell phones, cameras, etc.  You can put it in the program, you can have huge signs in the lobby but you can't make someone actually read any of it. 

An advantage of making the announcement live is that people do have to pay attention.  I've done the cell phone speech far too often and just about every time you hear the rustle of purses and the ugly sounds of phones shutting off.  (btw why do phones have to make stupid sounds when they shut off, just beep and off is all that's needed).

Normally we do it as a pre-recorded announcement that in PBS style thanks the corporate sponsors and things like that.  We change it for every show so people pay attention and if the show is a comedy we try and make the announcements funny.  We're more straight forward with dramas.

The only times I do the curtain speech live is when we're hawking subscriptions for the following season.  I hate to say it, but you can't pass up the opportunity to make the sales speech to a captive audience that already has an interest in your product, otherwise they wouldn't be in the seat.

In one of the theatres I work in we avoid the whole thank everyone and their brother after the last curtian call thing. Here is what we do. Cast and crew gather on stage 15 minutes before the house opens(we do this for every show) during this time we go over any business needed and then we recite the theatres creed(they used to call it a prayer but there is no God involved) the last night during this meeting the cast gives their gifts and says their thank yous. it works out great. We also have a toast after each opening night show. This is great for me because there is nothing I hate more than being dragged up on stage!

FYI the creed goes like this:

We come together in this place with open heart and open mind. The bond of the love of theatre and the wish to share this art. To king and player alike may we join together and make beauty on this stage tonight.

Written By Nicloe Nelson for Stages of Omaha