I've never seen it written in stone, but I've seen this from 3 standpoints Director, Designer, & Carpenter.  I approach it like this. Designer conceptualizes and rough designs the set.  Then the Designer collaborates with Director with renderings or model mock-ups of their ideas. Director gives his/her take on the design and specifically adresses the NEEDS of the set based on the needs of the show, blocking, etc. The Carpenter should be in on this as well, to say whether or not it's possible to construct the set as designed or dictated by necessity.  Then the designer, if necessary, goes back and makes changes to accomodate needs of the Director and the abilities of the carpenter.  Finally the Director gives the OK and the Carpenter assures the Director that it's "easy as pie", and you're off to the races.

The proper relationship is collaborative, but someone has to to be in charge of the overall vision. That person is usually the director. I've seen it be the producer, but rarely. If no one is in charge of the overall vision you end up with a incohesive mess.That being said, it is very important that everyone be part of the process. I meet repeatedly with all my designers :set, lights, costumes, props, set dresser, and anyone else I can think of. I include the stage manager and produce. If the builder can be there all the better. I love the level headed builder that says, "Good idea, but it won't stand up!" We meet individually and at production meetings at least 3 times before I even cast the show. I have an overall vision for the show and everyone throws their ideas into the ring. We tweak as we go along. I make sure that everyone feels like they can be open about what will work and what will not. For the show I am working on right  I just called in the set designer to make modifications to the set design after  working with the choreographer. Our standard line is that it is much easier to make changes on paper. Thank goodness we don't start building until Saturday.

The Set Designer usually bases their designs on an initial production meeting with the Director, who would likely use vague terms such as "I want it dark and moody" or "I want it surreal and fantastic" or "I want it authentic and gritty" etc, etc.

Or the Director might have a concept in mind and will say "I need a door here, a stairway here, a window seat here, and this, that and the other thing."

Likewise the Director will mention (or the Designer will ask about) certain neccessities -- placement of doors (where & how many), platforms, scene changes, etc.

Using these notes, the Designer conceptualizes the Director's ideas and creates a design with either sketches or models BEFORE rehearsals begin. No construction should begin until the Direcor gives final approval.

Sometimes, if the script involves many changes of scene, or the concept is less literal, then the design of the set will dictate the Director's blocking. ("We have an arch here, let's use it")

For example: I was directing a production of George M. Cohan's "The Tavern" which is a comic-melodrama, but also has an air of mystery. My concern was that the set would be "too cartoon-ish" and I specified I wanted the set to look authentic for the period.

The designer created a beautiful scale model with stucco walls, an oak bar, rough-hewn wooden beams and copper lanterns which was exactly what I was looking for -- except for one minor problem: there was no fireplace.

In the script, it's mentioned at least a dozen times "come sit by the fire" or "oh, what a lovely fire" etc. etc.   When I revealed this omission to the designer, he was of course mortified. "Where would you like it?" he asked. "Somewhere downstage right" I replied.   His next rendition (a day later!) included a magnifcent fireplace with a copper-patinated hood and a stone hearth, stage right.

The Designer's placement of the fireplace, the bar, the tables & chairs, the front door, etc, helped me create traffic patterns for the blocking of the action. The set was not only lovely to look at, but functioned beautifully.

In short, the Director needs to be VERY familiar with needs of the script, while the Designer needs to be EXTREMELY familiar with the limits of the stage. Finding a common ground between these two is what makes the process collaborative.

You didn't do anything wrong. Designers can be very fickle sometimes and moody or touchy at others.

This is a very interesting subject to say the least.  I guess it's different in everyone's individual world - while similar through all worlds.  In my situation, I've worked mostly with 3 - 4 set designers in the 20 years I worked with the company I worked for - actually 5 if I consider myself.  But 3 of the set designers were excellent to work with and I ALWAYS TRUSTED them to first - give me what I asked for after having read the script and analyzed the actual NEEDS of the show and secondly, they've often gone above and beyond in many cases doing things I didn't ask for but were such great ideas and cool things to do that I could NOT say no to them.  Two of the people of course, were IATSE guys, one who worked at the Opera House here and the convention center, working with some of the Broadway touring shows that come through - and the other guy was the manager of the stage crew, etc. at the Opera House.  SO I was ALWAYS lucky to have THOSE two at least who would read the script as well, come up with COLLABORATIVE ideas and then make it happen often as I said, doing more than I asked for which did nothing but make it ever so much better.